Hard “no’s and letting goes”

“Good enough” parenting involves deciding upon and maintaining boundaries with our children and young people. For various reasons it can feel hard to know what is an important boundary to hold, likewise, it can then be difficult to be consistent in the way that we maintain those, in order to give reliable scaffolding to our children.

I consider that boundaries can come from a place of personal values, e.g., core beliefs or principles that guide us through life. These are personal to each individual and each family system. (A family system is made up of individuals who share a common history and those who live together. These individuals rely on each other to have their basic needs met and to provide emotional support to one another.)

Boundaries are also usually impacted by the types of messages that we are given in childhood, from the adults around us. The boundaries people kept with us, whilst growing up, impact those that we can or cannot set with others in adulthood.

Maintaining boundaries can feel a bit like holding the rope as your child/ teen abseils down a mountain. We need to hold on tight sometimes, they need us to do that, and it won’t always be easy.

I support families by helping them to figure out what is important to them and their children and how these personal values might look when they show up in parenting boundaries.

Hard No’s!
A good start point is to decide what you feel is appropriate to keep as a hard “No”. A hard ”No” is a boundary that you keep firmly, whilst acknowledging how the child/teen might be feeling about that. We can be still be empathic and compassionate whilst saying ”No”.

We might say “I’m sorry, I know you want another biscuit right now, but I’m about to serve dinner”. You may elaborate on this to explain that you can see how sad or angry they might be and that’s ok, but it doesn’t change the fact that they still can’t have a biscuit at that time.

Or “I know you want to stay up late for the cinema, but we can’t because we have an early start tomorrow.”

We might also say “I can see how angry you are. It’s ok to feel angry, but I won’t let you break that or hurt me”.

Letting goes!

Consider the boundaries you are holding and see if you really need to hold them at all. Doing this can feel quite freeing for some parents and teachers, because sometimes the boundaries they are holding are not aligned with their own personal values (see above for how other people’s messages can impact us).

What can you let go of?

Imagine sand falling through your fingers…..

Maybe it’s ok for your child to have 2 ice creams today, if it means you've been able to get on with some difficult (and sometimes boring) adult chores.

Maybe it’s ok to for your teen to have a quick call with a friend, even if it’s past the time of their phone going on “downtime”, if it means they will feel better after that chat.

Changing your mind is allowed !
It’s really OK to re-evaluate in the moment and change your mind too. Why?
* Because we are human!

* Because sometimes kids and teens are right and we get things wrong !

*Because even if we inadvertently reinforce a response that we would rather we didn’t, sometimes it’s best to reinforce that early so that their dysregulation does not escalate. e.g., if you’re going to eventually give your child a biscuit before dinner, then it’s best to just give it when they ask, this will save emotions from building in a more difficult way.

*This also helps us stay connected with your kids.

The aim is not to raise obedient children !

With this in mind-
◦Let kid’s talk back

◦Let kids say “no”

◦Let kids question “why?”

◦Let kids negotiate

◦Let kids disagree

◦Let kids choose

◦Let kids FEEL

If we don’t want to raise obedient adults, we shouldn’t raise obedient kids.

Life is complicated – just like a muddy puddle. Not much is absolute, or HAS to be.

Give children grace to be who they are and give yourself grace to learn as you go.

Keep going. I see you doing your very best and being “Good Enough”.